After I stopped drinking, I found out that I thought I was the boss of life around me.
Here are some examples to illustrate this way of thinking:
- Everywhere I went, I would change the toilet paper roll to come off of the top.
- I had an opinion about everything I saw around me AND voiced my opinion about it.
- Church people were hypocrites and I wanted nothing to do with them.
- Other women were my enemies. I didn't like them.
- My boyfriend, or partner needed to discuss everything with me, or I was MAD that I was left out of the decision making.
- I believed in Jesus, but I only wanted to pray when I was in trouble. Then I wanted to bargain with God rather than submit to God.
During the first 6 months of my sobriety, I had to face some harsh truths about myself.
Many of the faults that I had blamed on alcohol - wasn't the alcohol - it was me. My perception of who I was as a person was fractured and broken like a dropped mirror. Tears streamed down my face easily when I was alone. My best friend had died and I was my best friend.
My understanding of my role in life slowly, but surely underwent several revisions.
The first revision was that I dusted off my Bible and admitted my life was unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol. Additionally, my mom made sure I was turning to Jesus and I rededicated my life to him.
Let's Go to Church
Although I was reading my bible and turning to Jesus, I didn't return to church until I had about 18 months of sobriety. This revision happened after I was told,"What better place for hypocrites to be than in church? Maybe they will finally see the light."
Sisterhood is Good
At 3 years of sobriety, I found myself wanting to rejoin the sisterhood of women because of all the help I was receiving from a couple of ladies with long term sobriety. Those ladies had something I wanted; they both knew how to stay sober, how to stay promiscuity-free, and how to apply biblical principles to 12 step recovery. Yes, my sisters were no longer my enemies.
My Way isn't the Only Way
Somewhere around the 3rd-4th year of recovery, in a conversation with my husband, I found myself saying," ...After all, my way isn't the only way."
My husband stared at me like I had suddenly developed an extra head atop my shoulders before saying,"I had hoped this day would arrive, but I had about given up on it!"
Pow! understanding smacked me in the face as I thought about what I had just said. Silently, I congratulated myself on getting better.
Why Did You Do This?
When I reached 14 years of sobriety, I was still struggling with God over why I was me. One night I looked at the ceiling and cried,"Why did you make me this way? I am MAD at you!" At that time, silence was the only response I received to my angry question.
Two weeks later, God answered me during my morning prayer and meditation time. One word kept popping into the stillness of my brain, "Clay." "What? Clay? Really Lord?" Never in a million years would I tell myself to read about clay in my bible.
However, I obediently turned to the index of my study bible and looked up the word, clay. Carefully, I began to read the first verse and write down my thoughts about it. Five bible verses later, I was reading and writing down my thoughts about Romans 9:21. As I read the scripture, I found my eyes drawn to the previous verse, 9:20.
As I read verse 9:20, the words seemed to float up off the page and POW! from my innermost being outward, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I KNEW I was being spiritually spanked for my angry diatribe at God two weeks earlier.
But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?
How arrogant I had been. Yelling at God? Really?
With a sigh, I started writing about why I was resentful (angry)at God, the cause of the anger, and how it affected me. The cause of the anger was control. Once again, my way of thinking brought me crashing down to my knees and re-submitting my life to God. By re-submitting all control of my entire life to God, I was making a decision to turn my will and my life over to God, again. Consequently while I was on my knees, an apology to the Creator of All issued from my lips.
At 14 years sober, I realized that God was giving me the knowledge of his will for me because I was seeking Him through daily prayer and meditation. He was molding me, one day at a time, and I had to be willing to submit to his molding in order to grow spiritually and continue growing closer to God, through Jesus.